Gifts, Givers, and Villages
This past Christmas, I had the wonderful opportunity to travel to New York City, and one of the places I visited was the New York City Public Library. While the building I visited was only one of multiple locations in the city, it was unique and magnificent with its hallways made from marble stones, beautiful artwork on the walls and ceilings, and gorgeous wooden bookshelves throughout. I was taking in the beauty of it all when I came across a golden plaque on the wall of the second floor. On this plaque was a quote by a patron named William Rand Kenan, Jr., who said, “I believe firmly that a good education is the most cherished gift an individual can receive.” These words warmed my heart and stayed with me long after I left the library that day.
I also deeply value education and view it as a cherished gift. The gift of education is one I’ve been privileged to receive at various times throughout my life, and it has allowed me to overcome many barriers and hardships so that I can achieve my goals and dreams. On the other hand, I also realize that gifts don’t just show up out of thin air for individuals to take for themselves. Gifts are given, and it requires individuals to take their gifts and pass them on to someone else.
Being both a receiver and a giver doesn’t come naturally for me, and I suspect that’s the case for many people in today’s culture. It often feels more comfortable to be one or the other because receiving and giving within our relationships requires safety and vulnerability. It makes sense that we would struggle to receive and give within our relationships if the people we’re around don’t handle us with care, understanding, and love.
Pertaining to couples in a relationship, author and psychotherapist Esther Perel says, “We expect one person to give us what once an entire village used to provide, and we live twice as long.” Not too long ago, it was normal for people to live in villages where lots of other people helped meet individual and relational needs. Gradually, we’ve become increasingly isolated and rely more heavily on the nuclear family, like our partners and children, to meet those needs that once took a whole village to do. This puts a lot of stress and strain on our relationships, especially when we don’t live within a community of people who are involved in our daily lives to help us manage stress.
Learning how to be both a receiver and a giver takes a lifetime of embracing humility, trust, love, and perseverance. It requires us to open ourselves up to another’s influence and care and to respond in kind. It’s normal to struggle with this, and it’s normal to ask for help, whether that’s within your “village” or with someone else who can help you navigate your relationship so that you can experience the love and care you need and deserve.
- Brittney Avaritt, MS, LAC, LAMFT, is a licensed associate counselor and licensed associate marriage and family therapist in the state of Arkansas. She can be reached at brittney.avaritt@gmail.com.
