Navigating Adult Child and Parent Relationships: I guess I was the worst parent ever

There seems to be a gamut of resources available for new parents and parents of younger children, but there are very few resources that help parents prepare for and navigate their children’s adult years. This can often contribute to feelings of uncertainty and hopelessness in parents as they attempt to be a part of their adult children’s lives.

Taking accountability for your role in conflict and accepting that you don’t have control over the responses and behaviors of your loved ones were the foundational first steps we’ve discussed to engage in repair and reduce conflict. Now we’ll focus on why and how to apologize.

Two realities coexist: some parents do harm by dismissing or rejecting their adult children, and there are adult children who harm their parents by blaming them for everything wrong in their lives. There are fine lines here, and it can be difficult to navigate who is responsible for what when both parties are adults. However, I believe the pain that both parents and adult children experience in their relationships is valid, and it is possible to learn how to engage with one another respectfully without belittling one another, placing blame, or being dismissive.

“We can’t change the past.” “You have no idea how hard it was for me.” “You think you had it bad?” These are some of the many responses adult children may receive from parents when they attempt to communicate past hurt. There are multiple reasons why it’s difficult for people, specifically parents, to apologize. Many parents didn’t see this modeled by their parents, and they genuinely don’t know how to apologize to their children. Others may be too uncomfortable with the emotions that arise when faced with a mistake they made in their parenting. If you’re a parent and find it difficult to engage with your adult child around disagreements and past mistakes, it may be necessary to learn some new, more helpful ways of apologizing and engaging with your child.

When approached by your child with a past offense, try to understand the hurt you may have caused, whether intentional or not. Acknowledge the hurt they feel. Then, express genuine remorse for the offense without putting blame back on the child. This communicates to your child that you care while also modeling to them how they can take personal responsibility for offenses.

I’m a firm believer that when people know better and have resources to help, they often do better. Remember that a healthy parent-child relationship does not involve an absence of failure. If you’re a parent of an adult child, give yourself some grace and recognize that you did the best you could do at the time, while also taking accountability in the present to name things you might have done and said in the past that were harmful. Learning to apologize with accountability and genuine remorse will go a long way in reducing the conflict in your family and repairing relationships with your adult children.

Brittney Avaritt, MS, LAC, LAMFT, is a licensed associate counselor and licensed associate marriage and family therapist in the state of Arkansas. She can be reached at brittney.avaritt@gmail.com.