Navigating Adult Child and Parent Relationships: Don't judge me, Lizzy
One of my favorite movies is the 2006 version of Pride and Prejudice, based on the book by Jane Austen – you know, the one with actors Matthew McFayden and Keira Knightley. There’s a scene in the movie when Elizabeth Bennet is sitting on a swing, looking forlorn after her infamous rejection of marriage proposals from the mysterious Mr. Darcy and the self-absorbed, awkward Mr. Collins. When Elizabeth’s best friend, Charlotte, walks up to her on the swing and announces that she has accepted an offer of marriage from Mr. Collins, Elizabeth is shocked and disgusted. Charlotte bites back at Elizabeth’s disapproval and says, “I'm twenty-seven years old. I've no money and no prospects. I'm already a burden to my parents, and I'm frightened. So don't judge me, Lizzy. Don't you dare judge me!”
While Charlotte and Elizabeth did not have a parent-child relationship, this scene is a good example of what happens when individuals in a relationship react to one another rather than respond. We’ve already established that accountability, acceptance, and apologizing are important in reducing conflict and initiating repair between parents and their adult children. Now we’re going to consider what it means for a parent-child relationship when individuals react versus when they respond to one another.
Reactions are immediate, emotionally charged, and tend to cause problems in relationships. Responses, however, take more thought and care to deliver and are often more helpful in gaining clarity and perspective around an issue or disagreement. When I consider the difference between reacting versus responding, I think of attacking versus approaching. An attack is threatening and unsafe, while an approach is cautious and not as threatening. You may not intend to attack your loved one, but your reaction may very much feel like one. If you approach your loved one with care and curiosity, the other person may feel more comfortable and safer to share their feelings with you and provide more information around the issue at hand.
It's extremely difficult to experience your loved one make decisions that you feel would be harmful or hurt their life and the lives of other family members. However, try to consider in the moment what would be the most helpful, productive way of communicating your concern. You may also consider the root cause of your reaction. For example, your reaction may be due to your inability to manage your own emotions, and you may have some deep, personal work to do to communicate in more healthy ways with your parent or adult child. This could be a life-changing step in taking accountability for your part in relational conflict and may lead to more positive outcomes in your relationships.
Which one would you rather experience from your parent or your adult child, a reaction or a response? If your answer is “response,” then consider working on responding in conflict and modeling what that looks like in your relationship. And remember – there’s nothing wrong with asking for help if you need it.
Brittney Avaritt, MS, LAC, LAMFT, is a licensed associate counselor and licensed associate marriage and family therapist in the state of Arkansas. She can be reached at brittney.avaritt@gmail.com.
