Navigating Adult Child and Parent Relationships: It ends with me
There are few things in life more emotionally painful than when a child is wounded by a parent, whether in childhood or adulthood.
We established last time that parents, no matter their age or stage in life, have the greater responsibility when it comes to accountability and repair with their children. At the same time, adult children are not without responsibility in this dynamic. The first step in taking responsibility as an adult child is to realize that you are, in fact, an adult. Unless you have a physical or mental issue that keeps you from functioning independently in life, you are not dependent on your parents for survival and get to decide how to live your life. A heartbreaking reality is that there are many adults living out in the world as if they are still wounded children.
Dr. Sue Johnson explains, “To change and repair ourselves, we had best know who we are.” Just as parents must become self-aware and learn to manage their own emotions, you must do the same. It’s not your fault that you were wounded, but it is your responsibility to heal your wounds so you don’t pass them on to others.
Because you are an adult, you have choices in addition to responsibility. While each situation is unique and nuanced, there are typically three scenarios from which you can choose to move forward in a relationship with your parent. The first is the choice to engage in reciprocal repair with your parent and work together with them to heal the relationship. This involves both a willing parent and a willing adult child. It also involves patience and understanding from both parties.
The second is the choice to limit the time you spend with your parent and set firm boundaries around what you will and will not accept in the relationship. If your parent chooses not to accept responsibility or only engages in minimal work to repair the relationship, this may be a healthier option for you. This topic deserves its article series, but for now, just know that your relationship with your parent often doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
The third choice you have is to completely step away from your relationship with your parent. This is a painful, last resort option for an adult child and is rarely a decision that is made lightly. Most adult children choose this option if their parent is emotionally or physically abusive or if their parent consistently refuses to accept accountability in the relationship to engage in repair.
I have immense compassion towards both scenarios of adults who struggle in their relationships with their parents and parents who are experiencing the estrangement of their adult children. It often seems like an endless cycle that is nearly impossible to break. But the truth is that the cycle can end with you. You can create new, healthier relationship dynamics that will positively affect your present relationships and future generations. It’s difficult, painful work, but it is possible.
Brittney Avaritt, MS, LAC, LAMFT, is a licensed associate counselor and licensed associate marriage and family therapist in the state of Arkansas. She can be reached at brittney.avaritt@gmail.com.
