Navigating Adult Child and Parent Relationships: Love and car alarms
Once, about fifteen years ago, I decided to drive up to Mount Nebo by myself to have some quiet time after a long week of work and finishing final exams for my undergraduate degree. I parked my car near Sunset Point and walked over to the edge. As I was sitting peacefully and enjoying the scenery, the alarm on my car suddenly started blaring and startled me out of my meditation. I searched frantically for my keys around where I was sitting so I could turn off the alarm. When I finally found my keys in my jacket pocket and turned the alarm off, I was anxious, out of breath, and not in the mood anymore for a quiet evening on the mountain.
Car alarms are meant to warn people, keep them safe, and signal them into action. I don’t know of anyone, however, who enjoys hearing a car alarm go off due to the loud and uncomfortable sound it makes. When parents of adult children attempt to communicate care and love to their children but do so with criticism, anger, or guilt trips, adult children likely react the same way as if they heard a car alarm going off.
Adult children will get their turn next week, but I want to focus this article on the parents. In Rules of Estrangement by Dr. Joshua Coleman, explanations and practical advice are compassionately given to parents struggling with the painful experience of their adult children limiting or cutting off contact. Dr. Coleman explains that even when your children are adults, you will always be the parent and will always have greater responsibility in the relationship. It may feel unfair, but this is a necessary truth to realize and accept. Your relationship with your adult child will likely not improve unless you first begin taking accountability, letting go of control, and learning to communicate in healthy, productive ways.
Communicating with your child in healthier ways will involve becoming more self-aware, regulating your emotions, listening to and respecting your child’s needs and wishes, and apologizing for past offenses. The use of criticism, guilt trips, entitlement, and comparisons will only increase the emotional distance between you and your adult child, no matter how well-intentioned you may be in your efforts. Relationships formed from fear, insecurity, or obligation tend to result in anxiety and a lack of emotional safety, which is likely not the outcome you want in your relationship with your adult child.
Doing the work now to become a safer parent for your adult child does not guarantee that needed changes or improvements will happen in your relationship. You only have control of yourself and your emotions, behaviors, and attempts at repair. You are, however, very likely to experience positive changes within yourself and your other relationships due to this difficult but rewarding work. If you’re ready to step into this hard work and you need support and help, remember that it’s okay to reach out to your family, community, or a counselor.
Brittney Avaritt, MS, LAC, LAMFT, is a licensed associate counselor and licensed associate marriage and family therapist in the state of Arkansas. She can be reached at brittney.avaritt@gmail.com.
